What to Say (and What Not to Say) to Someone Who’s Experienced Gaslighting

Gaslighting Isn’t Just Confusing. It’s Harmful

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that slowly erodes a person’s trust in themselves. Many survivors come into therapy feeling lost in their own experiences—unsure of what’s real, second-guessing their feelings, and questioning whether it’s even okay to trust their instincts.

If someone you care about has been gaslighted, your response can either help them feel safer or push them deeper into self-doubt.

Here’s a trauma-informed guide to what hurts and what helps.

What NOT to Say to Someone Who’s Been Gaslighted

Even well-meaning questions can reinforce doubt:

• “Are you sure that’s what happened?”→ Seeds more insecurity in someone already questioning themselves.

• “Maybe they didn’t mean it like that.”→ Focuses on intent, not impact.

• “But they seem so nice!”→ Reinforces the mask many gaslighters wear in public.

• “You’re being too sensitive.”→ Echoes the very words that broke them.

  
  

What TO Say to Someone Who’s Been Gaslighted

These responses validate their experience, strengthen trust in themselves, and promote healing:

• “That sounds really confusing. It makes sense you’re feeling this way.”→ Normalizes their reaction without minimizing their pain.

• “You don’t need proof to trust your experience.”→ Undoes the idea that they need evidence to be believed.

• “I believe you. And I’m here for you.”→ Reassurance that they don’t have to fight for their truth alone.

• “You’re not crazy — gaslighting does that.”→ Helps externalize the confusion and name the harm.

  
  

How to Offer Real Support

Support doesn’t mean fixing the problem. It means being present, believing their experience, and offering consistent emotional safety.

Say this:

“I might not have all the right words, but I believe you. And I’m here with you.”

That validation might be the first time they’ve felt safe enough to breathe in a long time.

Want More?

If you or someone you love is recovering from narcissistic abuse or gaslighting, I created The DBT Workbook for Narcissistic Abuse and Gaslighting with DBT-informed skills and designed to help you rebuild from the inside out.

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